Anxiety Driven

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Anxiety Driven is real, raw and uncut.  It is expression through creative writing and personal messages shared by MMA athlete Jens Pulver and creative writer Todd Smith.  Together, Jens and Todd have created a place to empty their heart and mind while living life with anxiety and depression.  Unified with a message to stop living in the dark and step into the light…knowing peace is attainable, it exists and will be achieved.  Welcome to “Anxiety Driven”.

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The Thirty Year Old Failure

Nov 5

11/5/2012 6:22 PM  RssIcon

As I get older and older...these dark nights only get lonelier.  Almost thirty and living at home...I have nowhere important to go.  I've been at the top before...At times I thought I was cured...I thought I had life figured out. Until my heart, again was ripped out.

It started before I can remember.  With no concrete reason to figure...in my blood and just part of living. Anxiety and depression were co-existing.  I've always been silent and shy...never knew or understood why? Home life was simple and loving but something was missing?

Intelligent and behaved at school.  The teachers never really knew...I did all my studying while crying.  I sat in the back quiet, slowly dying.  No one remembers my name...a fact that I love and hate the same.  No expectations to achieve...no one ever noticed when I'd leave.

The unspeakable pain became devastating.  This once smart boy began failing and lashing out at trivial things.  This once silent boy began to scream.  The doctors filled me with hope...providing capsules of drugs down my throat.  My life became full of empty prescriptions...my existence was still devoid of directions.

Nothing in life to blame for this pain.  I was perplexed by my very own brain?  Questions came lacking solutions?  Agony came, defying explanations.  Diagnosed now for over 10 years...my life has been marred of pain and fears.  I swallow my pills along with my pride...I wonder if all of this will ever subside?

Job after job...class after class.  I hold out hope that it will all begin to pass...I know I am more than this.  I know my life can be fixed.  30 years with nothing achieved, but I still believe.  This struggle is for the best and my mind will soon find rest.  Words will never describe...what I'm feeling deep inside.  Though my failures still multiply...I know I've come a long way.

I'm no longer afraid to reach out.  I'm no longer afraid to say I'm in need of help.  I'm no longer ashamed to say: "This is me" "Remember my name?"  I will fight on...I will keep hope.  I still will cope.  The next 30 years surely will follow...but this time I know...I don't have to fly solo.

-Jason

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Categories: Anxiety Driven

17 comment(s) so far...


Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Never give in and never give up...look deeper, love is about.

By Laurie on   11/5/2012 7:07 PM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

sounds excatly like me.

By Ashley on   11/5/2012 7:10 PM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Keep your head up bro. Life can be an amazing thing, once you let it be amazing...

By Random on   11/5/2012 7:20 PM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Such a powerful insight! Thank you for sharing the intimate depths of your soul. You are loved and that is as simple as it needs to be; while understanding is nice, true love is unconditional. Clearly you have people in your corner.

By Amanda on   11/5/2012 8:08 PM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Such a powerful outlet, sharing your deep thoughts allows others to realize they are not a lone...

By Jesse on   11/5/2012 8:26 PM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Damn this is fucking deep. I could say wnything but it all is inside,you

By Nikita on   11/6/2012 12:46 AM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Thank you for sharing that sincerely. Your words, thoughts, and true feelings make a difference. Here's a thought a friend gave me as simple as it was I had a breakthrough. I told him my 30+ story of victories and disappointments and he said "We'll, I guess it depends on how you choose to look at it". All you really have control over is your point of view. Once I started looking at my failures as lessons and great teachers the ugly dark turned to light.

God Bless,

Noah Najor

By Noah on   11/6/2012 2:32 AM

Re: The Thirty Year Old Failure

Wow... So in depth.... Glad you can share such thoughts.. Keep going
and get to the point were you can feel better about yourself..

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